Here is an excerpt from the story I’m trying to write. I desperately needed to change the magic system and make in unique, unlike every other fantasy story in the world. The start of this excerpt isn’t so good, but please bear with it for a few sentences and tell me what you think.

There was a tense feeling in the air as the four made their way back to the hut. They would travel for a five to ten minutes at a time and then stop to scatter their tracks and see if they were being followed. During these short breaks Detra would call down spirits to search for people and Veltra would converse with a hawk that had been hovering in the sky above. Jesse felt like a third wheel, watching these things take place that she couldn’t understand.
“Have you been taught how to see?” Trill asked her as she rode Storm up to Jesse.
“What?”
“The patterns,” explained Trill, rolling her eyes. Storm stamped his hoof and tossed his head at the delay. “The magic! Because now would be a good time to see what you can see.” Trill and Storm trotted off to confuse their tracks.
“Well, let’s give this a go,” Jesse told Max as he peered around from her lap. Jesse took a deep breath and tried to remember how the world around her looked when it was all converted into code. I have to view the source,she thought, and wondered to herself what the mental, metaphysical equivalent to a right-click would be. Jesse tried to imagine herself right clicking, hoping that would work, but to no avail. Uncertain, Jesse nudged her horse closer to Detra, who was sitting on Eclipse’s back in a meditation pose, her hair whipping around her face as Eclipse tossed his head around, as though watching something only he could see.
“Um, Detra? Can I ask you something?” Detra didn’t open her eyes, but nodded slowly, still deep in concentration.
“How do I see the patterns again?”
“By doing something that makes sense,” Detra whispered back, “The patterns are all logical.”
“But what?” Jesse insisted. Detra didn’t answer. Jesse guided Dasher a short distance away again to think. It’s something logical, right? Something that makes sense? I’ve got to right click and view the source…right click and view. Jesse closed her eyes, straightened her back and breathed deeply, trying to focus and hoping her idea would work. She held out her right hand, and clicked. I have to right click and then view the source. She opened her eyes.
“Cool, I works!” The world around her was changed. Superimposed over the shadows of what was probably real was a green, cloudy tinge where snippets of code danced around, defining the world. Scripts and styles shifted as the wind blew and the trees swayed. It took Jesse several moments to take it in and stop trying to read everything; there was just too much going on in any one moment for one mind to comprehend.
“It’s almost chaos,” she whispered to nobody in particular, her breath taken away by the sheer complexity of a normal moment.
“Mew?” Max responded. Jesse turned to look at what Detra was doing. There were multiple scripts trying to work around her, but they weren’t correct and shifted their code as Jesse watched, as though they were alive and trying to cheat existence somehow. Jesse turned to watch Veltra, noting that a piece of style code hung over her and the hawk, converting them both to the same format. Then she blinked and the world returned to normal.

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