Rant of Ferox

First impressions count.

It’s true in real life and it’s true for all the characters you may create in any piece of writing. It can be difficult to introduce a new character in a story, especially when you’re trying to follow the ’show, don’t tell’ principle. Without having names for the character, it all gets too confusing. It reads like you’re floating around in a soup, switching points of view and struggling to make any sense.

I tried to follow good writing theory once and not use names that hadn’t been already revealed in conversation. It just ended up a mess.  You can read Before & After excerpts in the rest of this post. I’d love to know your thoughts and whether I’ve made any improvements.

 Original Version
It was really an absurd sight. The twigs were damp with dew, and the grass below them was also far from tinder try, and it was never going to catch alight, no matter how hard the girl tried, constantly flicking the cigarette lighter. The tiny flame would smoulder, and then give up. But the girl wasn’t going to give up. She couldn’t afford to give up, not while she still had a lighter still half full of fluid.
“Gotcha!” It was a rather calm declaration of victory, as far as declaration of victories went.
“Eh?” the girl asked dumbly of the universe, as she was tackled, and apparently attempted to be shoved into a bottle.
“Hey! Get off me!” screamed the girl with no luck in respect to lighting fires.
“Oh,” her attacker apparently realised that she was too big to fit into the bottle. “Terribly sorry.” The apparent bottle attacker had scruffy, long brown hair had a beaded part. The beaded hair was dyed with four colours, red, green, blue and a brown lighter than her hair. A bead of the colour above separated each one. Her eyes were cloudy blue, and seemed perplexed.
“Excuse me, but what are you doing?” asked the attacker. She regarded her accidental victim, a young girl with light olive skin, and very dark brown hair, near black, but for a single blue streak.
“What does it look like?” came the abrupt, quite startled reply.
“You appear to be trying to light a fire with a container of water,” said the local bluntly. The blank look from the unsuccessful fire maker evidently meant she had missed something. The stranger’s dark brown hair contained a blue streak, common in many water mages. However only the most powerful mages had other people’s likeness on there clothes. Poor Buffy the vampire slayer must have greatly upset this water mage. However, it is impossible to make fire with water. Deciding not to vex the stranger any further, the blue-eyed girl said,
“Would you like some help?”
“Fine!”
Suddenly sparks blazed from the blue-eyed girl’s hand as she lit the fire. Successfully.
“Shit! How the hell did you do that?” The girl who had fallen through the dragon’s hole looked at the girl who called the fire. Looking closer, not that she really wanted to, the girl from the dragon’s wake saw the leather wristband on the other girl’s wrist; there were four stones, the same colours as her coloured hair wedged tightly into the knots. The blue one was glowing.
“Don’t you know?” said the fire-calling-girl, uncertain.
“No I don’t,” stated the other girl pertly. “I’m not having a good day.” The other girl considered this for a moment, and then began to explain.
“My fire spirits allow me to make fire. Just as your water magic allowed you to imprison Buffy.” The water mage may not have all her wits about her, she had determined that, but she still didn’t think she could get away unhurt from a fight if there was one.
“When was the last time you had a CAT scan?” asked the girl.
“My friend has a cat, but what does that have to do with making fire?”
“Look, maybe I’m going psycho, but I’ve just fallen through a bright hole following what looked like a dragon, I………..”
“A dragon?” said Detra abruptly, but inquisitively. Suddenly everything came together, “Well, that explains it then.”
“Explains what?” said the girl, getting annoyed.
“Your not from…around here.”
“Oh I was wondering.”
“You were? My name’s Detra by the way,” the blue eyes girl introduced herself.
“I’m Jesse.”

This is the edited version. I gave up on the ‘Show not Tell’ principle and instead reformed Jesse as a character for the reader to focus on. I also toned down the swearing. 

Edited Version 

It was an absurd sight. The twigs were damp with dew, and the grass below them was also far from tinder try. It was never going to catch alight, no matter how hard she tried, constantly flicking the cigarette lighter. The tiny flame would smoulder, and then give up. But, unlike the flame, Jesse wasn’t going to give up. I mustn’t give up. I have a half-full lighter, a bunch of books and a brain. I might not know where I am, but I’m sure as hell going to figure out what I’m doing. She was shivering, being inappropriately dressed for the chill of the morning in thin denim jeans, T-shirt and denim jacket.
“Gotcha!” It was a rather calm declaration of victory, as far as declaration of victories went.
“Huh?” Jesse asked dumbly of the universe, as she was tackled, and a bottle rammed onto her head.
“Hey! Get off me!”
“Oh,” Jesse’s attacker apparently realised that she was too big to fit into the bottle, “I’m terribly sorry.” The apparent bottle-stuffing attacker had long brown hair and a dreamy expression. Her cloudy blue eyes seemed perplexed.
“Excuse me, but what are you doing?” asked the attacker, seemingly to have completely forgotten the bottle incident.
“What does it look like?” Jesse snapped in reply, gesturing indignantly to her pitiful pile of twigs.
“You appear to be trying to light a fire with a container of water,” said the local bluntly. Jesse glared angrily as the stranger regarded her with care. The stranger looked as if she had just come from a convention, dressed in clothes that were scruffy and not at all modern. She didn’t appear to have even a touch of makeup.
“Would you like some help? With the fire?” the stranger asked, to break the silence.
“Fine!” Jesse snapped her reply. Jesse wasn’t having a good day. Suddenly sparks blazed from the stranger’s hand as she lit the fire. Jesse’s day started to get worse.
“What the… How the hell did you do that?” Jesse stared at the stranger before her with a mix of confusion and fear. People didn’t do things like that! Although she had been near the physics building a few hours ago, and physicists often did strange things. The stranger wore a strip of leather around her wrist with four stones in it. The red one appeared to be glowing, and she was stroking it absent-mindedly.
“Don’t you know?” said the stranger, uncertain.
“No I don’t,” stated the Jesse, seeking sympathy, “I’m not having a good day.” The stranger considered this for a moment, and then began to explain, with a hint of uncertainty.
“My fire spirits allow me to make fire. It’s much more efficient at fire-making than using water energy.”
“…Is there something wrong with your brain?” asked Jesse, “Or are you playing a trick on me? It’s not very funny! You look like Mel, are you related?” The stranger considered this for a moment.
“…not to my knowledge. And yours?”
“First dragons and now pyrotechnics,” sighed Jesse, “If I got hit by a car or something and am now in a coma just tell me and get this over with! It would be like that T.V. series, but without the twelve episodes of it…”
“A dragon?” said the stranger, but inquisitively, “I wonder…You’re not from around here, are you? Very, very far away I’d imagine.”
“I suppose so,” admitted Jesse, “ If this is real. I can’t see any skyscrapers can you?”
“Skyscrapers?”
“Um…very tall buildings? So tall they…well…”
“…Scrape the sky?”
“Yes!”
“Sorry, no idea.”
“So…where am I then?”
“About two days west of Bedras.”
“And where’s that?” The local didn’t answer immediately.
“I said-”
“Shh…” There was a thunder of hoof beats in the distance.
“Look, what’s your name by the way?” Jesse asked, “I’m Jesse. Jesse Black, I’m an info tech student.”
“Detra, a Driasur,” Detra hesistated. “Info tech?”
“Yeah, IT. You know, computers and stuff?”
“Computers?”

I’m really hoping you like the edited version more, otherwise I’m just going backwards. I also have to wonder how readers perceive these characters. As the author I have my own mental image, but no idea what you all infer.